In only a couple months we will have been a family for a year. Last year on this day we received our very important, long-awaited letter of approval to adopt little M. I was so relieved and excited. Finally we would get to see our little girl, and hold her, and love on her.

We had waited so long. And our girl was getting older day by day.

When we first saw little M’s file, she was not yet two, and when we finally got to her, she was two and a half. Little M had almost three years without us. She knew many caregivers, and had her basic needs met, but she never knew what having a Mommy and Daddy was like. I think about little M’s past often. And I wonder…
I wonder about what little M’s first two years without us were like. I wonder who gave her a bottle before bed, and I wonder if anyone held her when she cried. I wonder if anyone knew what she was afraid of, and if she was ever given the chocolate she loves so very much.
And I wonder what happened before…in those days before she was in the orphanage.
I wonder about who loved her first.

I wonder about my little girl’s first mother…her China mother we sometimes call her.
I am often grateful to little M’s China mother. I am grateful that she chose life for her baby.
I wonder how often she thinks about little M, and how often she thinks about little M’s beginning. I wonder if her China mother had little M’s long, thick eyelashes, and expressive eyes. I wonder where little M got her beautiful smile. Was it from her?
Does she miss little M?

She held little M, cared for her for days. In her pictures, little M looks chubby and healthy, so she must have been well-fed. Little M had her first mother, her China mother for days… and then she was let go.
There are parts of little M’s history and story that are only hers to tell, if one day she decides to, and so I won’t go into detail on this blog…
But I often wonder….
Who loved my little girl first?

I am so grateful to be this little girl’s Mommy.


  1. Bev on June 24, 2011 at 4:42 am

    I wonder all of the same things… often. Things we will never know and things that we will always want to guess about. What beautiful girls we have been blessed with, and whose hands we will hold just a little tighter each day to try to make up for all the days we couldn't hold them. I still get teary to think about the things you have posted about…

  2. shelley on June 24, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    I,too,wonder about these things for my girl. She came from such a poor orphanage and I have found VERY FEW children that come from there. DID she have someone to hold her, DID she have someone to calm her when she was afraid of the dark? I pray that there WAS someone to hold her in her 20 months of being there….but there is someone to hold her now!!Thanks for the post. Now it is wonderful to see who is loving her NOW!!

  3. Grace on June 30, 2011 at 2:51 am

    i've been thinking a lot about CB's first mother and thanking her for the choice she made that came with such sacrifice.i cry thinking about the loss our children have faced…but rejoice in knowing that we have so many things to look forward to together.

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